1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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