she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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