He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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