Pregnant stripper...not hot.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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