Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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