i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
