Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
