Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
