I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
