How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
