I think i peed on brittanys purse
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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