one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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