i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
