dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize