Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
