So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
