She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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