I wish they made helmets for livers.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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