I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
