Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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