how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
