I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
