i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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