i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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