listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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