If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize