Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
