Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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