does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
