i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
