Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
