I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
