The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
