This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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