Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
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