My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize