From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
