you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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