he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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