you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
