Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
