I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
