Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
