Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize