i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize