I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize