i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
