Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
