Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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