This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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