I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
