so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm passing your future prison.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
