My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
