i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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