You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize