I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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