we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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